Topic: Important Warning to All Musicians...!

(A sad day for all bone players, in particular bass trombones, first it was hand guns, now trombones...where will it all end!)

Subject: TROMBONES CAN BE DANGEROUS (author unknown)

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by reed players, French horn and  string sections seated within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking ... not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing  hearing problems reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced  to play the music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of  alumni of the Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.

There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of trombones and equip them with child-proof safety devices. The influential trombone lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called "trigger lock" on all bass  trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves of an unattended  instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner's feeble "I didn't know the slide was unlocked" is no excuse!

Trombones should be stored out of reach of children. Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone - which would simply allow a
reasonable period of time for law  enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful  Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the "sawed-off" trombone or "sackbut."

Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A felony!
Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond's Cold Cream or KY Jelly and unsupervised  emptying of
spit valves on public property. A filthy, unsanitary habit which  will help spread the flu this year.

One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a crime ("Use a trombone-Go to jail"). Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses
reported as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon.

Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new "Three sharps, you're out" statutes that have already been approved by many
state legislatures. Of  course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models - both piston and the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles, signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period. (You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the
Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe.)

It is believed that the new source of these WMD's are isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.

Remember: When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play "I'm Gettin' Sentimental Over You."

(I shudder to think about the bassoon flames now heading my way from trombone friends!!) Happy Spring - Jim

James Jeter, D.M.A., NYC Bassoonist
"To love human beings is still the only thing worth living for; without that love, you really do not live." Soren Kierkegaard
"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it." Mahatma Gandhi  "Mach' es kurz! Am Juengsten Tag ist's nur ein Furz!" Goethe

Re: Important Warning to All Musicians...!

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Last edited by Trent (2007-05-08 17:20:52)

M.M.A., D.M.A. University of Illinois at Urbana/Champaign: B.Mus. Lawrence University
Bassoon professor at University of Wisconsin Eau-Claire
Maker of the Little-Jake electric bassoon pickup and Weasel bassoon reeds

Re: Important Warning to All Musicians...!

Christopher Brodersen wrote:

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw

Sad but true XD

10th grade bassoonist, tubist, jazz trombonist, and at home violist tongue


Re: Important Warning to All Musicians...!


fabulous your message, it flows like velvet red wine.

Intend to present it tonite to my trombone collegues. In case I will not survive will you take care for my obituary.

best regards from Germany,




Re: Important Warning to All Musicians...!

Trent wrote:

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

This is only half of the story ---

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?

Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.


Re: Important Warning to All Musicians...!

A couple of similar gags about saxophones:

The difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower ----- you can tune a lawnmower!

The difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw ---- the grip!

And one for us bassoonists: from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (E&OE)

A definition of a bassoon --- a loud braying instrument into which a fool blows his brains.

Neville Forsythe
Christchurch New Zealand
Bassoonist / Teacher / Conductor